The Second Peppers Play

I just completed my most awful poetry assignment to date. Stevick gave us a play from like the 12th century, i.e. it's in olde englysh, and we had to translate it into some modern form of speech - such as gangsta-speak, trucker-speak, you get the picture. But that's not all. We had to maintain the same rhyme scheme and the same pattern of accented syllables from the original as well as the same meaning.

Needless to say, I bitterly resented the assignment and was dreading the number of miserable hours I would have to put into writing it. So to make my life suck just a little less, I decided that "The Second Shepherds Play" would become "The Second Peppers Play," and things just got sillier from there.

I think the most frustrating part was actually the fact that Stevick omitted lines, so the pattern of lines and syllables was not regular, nor did the dialogue really make sense. Non Sequitur Award, right here.


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THE SECOND PEPPERS PLAY
Amanda C. Thompson


Cast (in order of appearance):

3rd Pepper: Cap’n Smack
A red pepper who believes himself to be a pirate.
Voice actor: Johnny Depp (Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean).

1st Pepper: Dusty Dogwood
A flamboyant yellow pepper who is generally over-enthusiastic.
Voice actor: Carson Kressley (Host of “How to Look Good Naked”).

2nd Pepper: Billy
A green redneck pepper who drives an old pick-up and shaves with a one-blade razor.
Voice actor: Larry the Cable Guy (Mater, Cars).

Trevor
An emo trowel of ill repute: he is known for stealing seeds from Farmer’s fruits.
Voice actor: Alan Rickman (Marvin, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy).


Script:

CAP’N SMACK: A chantey! Aye.
DUSTY DOGWOOD: Oh! Let me sing the part of tenor!
BILLY: Anyhow, the yodelin’s better.
CAP’N SMACK: Arr, then I’ll sing the mid-line. Weigh anchor!
And-a yo ho ho, me boys!
[They sing a bawdy drinking chorus. Enter TREVOR, who tries to sing along.]
DUSTY DOGWOOD: Oh God, who’s that? His voice sucks.
TREVOR: (aside) These vegetables don’t know my bad luck.
(out loud) I’m the trowel from the shed. I just sit there and rust.
I’m the least of Farmer’s toys.
BILLY: Trevor! Where’d ya go? What’s the word?
CAP’N SMACK: That booty-snatchin’ hoe? You’d best be on yer guard!
TREVOR: I’ll have you know the farmer sent me to the yard –
the guy who sowed your seeds in the garden
last winter.
Fuck you plants! You’re so gumptious,
so high-mindedly captious!
You vitamin-laden, bumptious
boneheads – respect me!
CAP’N SMACK: He’s no bilge-talker. He deserves to be fed to the fish.
TREVOR: Enough, you gawks! Or you’ll be a side dish!
DUSTY DOGWOOD: [Gasps] You wouldn’t dare!
Now drop that silly air
and laissez-faire.
TREVOR: Oh, hey! I didn’t realize – I mean, I thought I knew you!
You’re cool guys.
BILLY: Go cow-tippin’, dude.
F’yer late-night trekkin,
what’ll people reckon?
That you wanna be peckin’
their seeds – like you always do.

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for the record, can I NOT read this out loud in class...?

Oh and by the way... I have at least one guy willing to lend me a plaid shirt. w00t. I hope it smells as good as my pajamas did that one time.... O_o