Excavations of Claymore: Almond Joy (at last!)

I've been meaning to review this one all semester, but me having Taz's meal card or cash with me never seemed to coincide with Claymore having coconut, almond and chocolate flavor syrups. I had a barista substitute hot cocoa mix once. It was bad, so I decided to hold out on the review until I could get all the witnesses on stand and give the Almond Joy a fair trial.


I'll give it this: The Almond Joy tastes exactly like the candy bar. I had never tried one but, for the sake of research, I accepted one from a classmate's Halloween stash.

It was... okay. Just like the steamer. If you're cuckoo for coconut, then you'll love this drink. If you have an insatiable sweet tooth, even better - you can skip the candy aisle and go for something with real calcium in it! But if you're the kind of person that keeps the mashed potatoes on the opposite side of the plate from the cranberry sauce, might I advise that you also keep your drink and dessert separate in this case.

Peace, love, and pumpkin spice,
Miss Rex

Brewin's of a Mad Barista #1: Crackle Cider

As an OFFICIAL member of the Claymore crew, I now have the freedom to invent random drinks whenever I feel like it. Oh how I love this job. I wanted to squeeze in my first recommendation while it's still fall because anything based on apple pie goes out of style once winter hits like white pants after Labor Day.

My first mad brewin' is called "Crackle Cider," so named because it is so yummy that it might as well be made of crack. At this time of year, I would think almost any coffee shop should be able to replicate the recipe if you ask. I made a pretty name card for it with lots and lots of glitter glue, but someone took it down, so alas I do not have a picture, only instructions for your own mad brewin'.

To brew Crackle Cider: Start with a cup of hot apple cider, add a shot or so of caramel syrup, sprinkle in cinnamon and nutmeg, and garnish with whipped cream. Drizzle caramel syrup and/or sprinkle cinnamon sugar on top if desired.

It's like a fresh apple pie in a cup. Now some of you may be wary of food-in-a-cup after seeing how the people in Wall-E turned out, but don't let that stop you. It's just this once. It's a special treat. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.



Peace, love and pie,
Miss Rex

Claymore.

Thus concludes my first weekend working at Claymore! Overall it's a pretty sweet gig. I get to make free drinks (well, one free drink per shift), which means Excavations of Claymore are soon to return! In just two nights, I've already created Crackle Cider and the Golden Mocha. At last my creative taste buds can be exercised to their full potential! Soon my tongue will be nice and buff, like Trogdor's beefy arm. Rawr.

It didn't take long for me to learn to make a quality latté. My organizational skills are a little lacking, but that will improve with practice. The only real downside I've seen is that, every so often, you get a psycho on the other side of the counter.

My first night, two other baristas came in partway through my shift, both thinking they were working a double with me. As they were sorting out the schedule, I was working on drinks for a few different people and paused to rinse off some things (because if the next person orders chai, they don't really want residue of hot chocolate in their drink). This girl at the counter loudly demands, "HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT TO ORDER?"

The other two apologized and told her they were just trying to figure out who was supposed to be there. She said something along the lines of that wasn't her problem and she'd been waiting there for blah blah (she'd only been there for like, three minutes, and there had been two or three people ahead of her).

I politely told her that I could include residue of banana and hazelnut in her order if she'd like to place it right away.

I think this will be my downfall. I don't take shit from people like her; I dish it right back. Hope that's not grounds for unemployment (grounds... ha ha... that's punny, cause I work at a coffee shop... get it? Ha ha...)

The other downside is, I'm gonna have to make it through my 10:30-2AM shift without making myself any coffee, because I was up until 4 this morning even with the time change factored in. But it was a darn good coffee. Soon to be excavated.

Peace, love and third person omniscient,
Miss Rex

Excavations of Claymore: The Shortstack Chai

Made with really, really good looks, but not-so-good taste.


I love cinnamon (or as my roommate Taz says, "smimmanin"). It's great in oatmeal, French toast, cream of wheat, Snickerdoodles, and crack. Except I lied about the last one. Anyway, the point of the above list was to emphasize that smimmanin does not belong in liquid, ever. It may be a nice embellishment to a pumpkin spice chai apple cider topped with whipped cream, such as the one I got at the place near Gill's school when I visited Ohio. But not in the drink, for goodness sake.

If you want a vanilla chai, get a TeaMac (it comes with a chocolate drizzle at no additional charge). If you want to mix things up, get a TeaMac with almond, you party animal. Do not by any means add cinnamon.

That said, it wasn't an utter failure of a drink, it just sort of tumbled into the uncanny valley of beverages. I'll allow it two stars. But it's weird.

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Next week is the LAST Claymore review of the year! What shall I try?

Almond Joy
Coconut Island
Cooney-Cooney
English Challenge
Michelini
The Perfect Cap
Prickly Cactus
Rasp-LIMErry Fizz (clearly NOT coffee)
Thrilla in Vanilla

Excavations of Claymore: Fiona's Wicked Minty Apple Cider

S. Darko. Shrek 2. Saw II. Honey I Blew Up the Kid. Shrek the Third. Step Up 2, Shrek Forever After, Saws 2-6 plus the upcoming 7 and 8... It seems the trend in movies these days is to take a decently well-made movie and spoil it by making a completely unnecessary sequel or string of sequels. Now the sequel doesn't ALWAYS suck, although many of them do, but the real problem is just that having a mediocre sequel takes away from the awesomeness that was the original.

Fiona's Wicked Minty Apple Cider was good, but it was the unnecessary sequel to the beloved Meg's Apple Cider.


You got your apple juice. You got your chai. You got your mint. It's pretty straightforward. Now, we know that apple and chai mix well, but mint really doesn't go with either flavor, even simply as an undertone. I think it's because you have two strong flavors doing battle upon your palate. And they're both tingly flavors: Malfoy mint vs. Cho Chang chai, zinging tickle charms back and forth in a wizard's duel of apple-icious proportions.

I'll give Fiona 3 stars, but I really don't think she's got anything new to offer. However, I'm sure she'll be your friend if you're on a coffee date and want to make sure your breath is minty fresh when you make out after you've had your caffeine fix. Just sayin'.

Excavations of Claymore: An Orange Real

I've eaten a lot of weird stuff in my day, particularly during the 12 days I spent in the wilderness on my freshman orientation adventure. Pepperoni and honey. Tuna fish and jelly. Freak-o-butter, whatever the heck that was... I think there was milk powder and M&Ms in it and we used it for "sandwiches" like your everyday jar of Skippy. When you've been canoeing since 5 in the morning, you'll eat just about anything. Oh, and I mustn't forget - chips and salsa with M&Ms are a party must-have for my friends at home. I have a weird palate, OK? Enter the Orange Real.


No no, it's not a chai latté with an orange on the side. It's a chai latté with fresh squeezed orange juice in it.

WTF, right?

On some fateful, random night, the coffee shop gods compelled my friends Kenya and Hippie to brew this concoction. We'll leave the question of their sanity out of this review and just talk about the drink.

The Orange Real tastes like an orange dreamsicle, except liquid and hot. You can hardly tell there's chai in it at all - there's a hint of spice, but really it's just a big creamy cup of orange magic. If you think that a steaming cup of dreamsicle sounds bizarre, you're right. It definitely has a weird flavor, so if you're one of those people who can't have their food touching on the plate, it's probably not for you. But for you pioneers of taste, I'm sure you'll be quite satisfied with the unique (and organic!) appeal of the Orange Real.


I give it 4.5 stars overall, 4 for taste and 5 for creativity plus nutritional value.

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Vote for the next Claymore Drink of the Week!

Almond Joy
Cherry Cordial
Coconut Island
Cooney-Cooney
English Challenge
Fiona's Wicked Minty Apple Cider
Michelini
The Perfect Cap
Platelet's Perfection
Prickly Cactus
Rasp-LIMErry Fizz (clearly NOT coffee)
The Shortstack Chai
Thrilla in Vanilla

Excavations of Claymore: The Kyle Lincoln

As you can see in this picture, Mr. Lincoln put his best foot forward with the yellow tux, stripey tie and backwards "K." By no stretch of the imagination am I being facetious. The Kyle Lincoln is truly the coffee of yellow-tuxedoed super heroes everywhere, and if it's not, well, that would explain why we haven't heard much from the masked men of the skies lately.

You all know that I don't hand out five-star ratings like free t-shirts at Go-Co, but for the second week in a row, I am totally floored by the Claymore drink of the week. My figurative jaw is on the ground (but I made sure to keep my literal jaw shut so the delicious coffee wouldn't spill out. 'Twould have been most uncouth).

It's hard to put my taste buds on what was so extraordinary about this blend of chocolate, English toffee and Irish creme, and I think that's why it was so good. They say the human eye prefers an average face - that is, one of perfect symmetry, balance and proportion. The same must be true of flavors.

You may, in some vaguely recalled high school science class, have seen a diagram of the tongue delineating the different taste regions. This theory was actually debunked before any of us were in high school, even my "grown-up" readers - it's based on a mis-translation of something originally written in German and was corrected early last century. However, I have noticed that different parts of my tongue taste different kinds of flavor more strongly. One of the amazingly average features of the Kyle Lincoln... wow, how to make this not awkward since the drink has a person's name... well, scientifically speaking, it stimulates all of the taste regions, which makes my tongue (non-scientifically) very happy.

There was no one overwhelming element. The drink was not too sweet, not too bitter, not too fruity or too dark or too artificial. I believe I said the same for the Irish Dream, which leads me to believe that Irish creme must simply be the perfect mate to coffee. The Sam Gamgee or Robin or Ron Weasley of flavor shots. You think Frodo or Batman or Harry Potter would've been anyone without their sidekicks? Heck to the no. They would've been effed. We would live in a world ruled collectively by Sauron, the Joker and Lord Voldemort if not for these unsung heroes.

The moral of the story is that you should definitely give this drink a try. I think it will please all kinds of coffee-lovers, whether their preference is sweet or earthy... and it may also give you superpowers.

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Next week I'll be sampling the Orange Real courtesy of my barista friend Kenya, author of the Orange Real experience. After that, I'll only be here three more weeks before summer starts! I shall truly miss my Claymore reviews. I may even go into withdrawal. The sad truth is that this experiment seems to have developed into an addiction. I drink coffee like three times a week now and it's the first thing I want when I start yawning. I mean, thank goodness it was just coffee and not cocaine, but a summer off will probably do me good.... me, and my wallet.

Excavations of Claymore: Caramello

After a fortnight of coffee overkill, I opted for the caffeine-free caramel steamer this week. I was pleasantly - no, fabulously - surprised. I expected it to taste rather bland (as hot milk tends to after much nomming of espresso), but at the suggestion of the bar-dude I got like five flavor shots in it and it was anything but bland, while simultaneously keeping its distance from that sketchy realm of sickly-sweet.

It was a happy drink. You can create any number of complicated flavor ratios at a ghetto basement coffee joint like Claymore, but in the end sometimes the pure and simple things are the most delicious.

The Caramello was like a flashback to the best Halloween you ever had without actually containing small children as an ingredient (which new Hershey's commercials unmask as the secret to Hershey's goodness. Yes, you've seen them on TV. The chocolate bar melts to reveal small children dancing while singing "I'll stop the world and melt with you..." And then they turn back into a solid chocolate bar, which viewers are now expected to leave the comfort of their sofas to go purchase. Sick, I tell you.)

So, back to the Caramello. Five stars, hands down. Go try one today.

Excavations of Claymore: Granny's Turbo-Charged (Butterscotch) Latté

OK, I confess: I didn't exactly try Granny's Turbo-Charged Butterscotch Latté last night. Reason being that when I asked for it, Kenya, the bardude of the night, was like "No no no! Get a better turbo-charged latté. That much butterscotch is bad for your soul."

I listened to the wise words of the bardude and ordered English toffee, French vanilla and Irish creme in my three-shot bucket of epic. Then I realized that it wouldn't have mattered what flavors I chose; a drink with that much espresso in it wasn't tasting like anything but espresso. So this week's review is short and sweet (or bitter, depending on how literal you're feeling as you read it ^_^).

I do not recommend the turbo-charged latté if you want a yummy cup of coffee. It's not horrendous, but even in a large cup it's like 50-proof espresso, which inevitably spoils the flavor.

However, I highly highly highly recommend the turbo-charged latté if you wish to stay awake for days on end.

I drank mine at 1:30 this morning and was still fully functional and coherent by 7AM. Normally my psyche dissolves into the realm of absurdity around 3 in the morning (if it doesn't succumb to sleep first), and normally, even without coffee, I then become very silly. I may have laughed a little too hard at one too many "that's what she said" jokes last night, but I wouldn't say I was bouncing off the walls.

I actually fell asleep watching District 9 with the Bathrobe Guy, who had his coffee cherry unpleasantly popped last night (yay the Bathrobe Guy! Uh, I mean, sorry about the peer pressure...). I went to bed just after 7 and fell asleep without any trouble.

But the tale does not end there. I awoke three hours later feeling refreshed and ready to face the day. I leapt out of bed and went about my morning routine with, frankly, far more energy than I normally do, which led me to believe that all that caffeine was still ricocheting about in my brain.

That's right: I got a coffee hangover. What now.

Excavations of Claymore: The Irish Dream

The Irish Dream: Unlucky enough to have misplaced its name card, and yet (I'm told), lucky enough to remain one of Claymore's most popular selections. In lieu of a name card, I will now proceed to share a picture of an Irish setter that I wish to will someday own.

The Irish Dream is a mocha with Irish Creme* in it. I suggest the dark chocolate cocoa mix for maximum nommability.

Honestly, I don't know what to say about this drink besides the obvious de-freaking-lightful. Usually in these reviews I like to caricature each drink by personifying the ingredients or elsewise exaggerating their bizarre flavors. But I've got nothing on this one. It's not too bitter, although it is a little bit; it's not too sweet, although it is a little bit; it's not too rich, although it is a little bit. It's like Baby Bear's porridge in Goldilocks and the Three Bears: juuuuuuuust right!

You know that gorgeous girl you pass every day, or sit next to in class, or who works at the dining hall? The one who makes you wonder every time you see her, "how come she got to be so drop-dead good looking?" and you want to hate her for it, but dammit, she's just too pretty to hate. You know her? This drink is like her. But liquid.

"Ah," as the Wizard of Oz said to Dorothy, "you liquidated her, eh?" Yes, Mr. Wizard. Yes, we did. And she was four stars worth of delicious.

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*A side note on Irish creme... umm... I still haven't figured out exactly what it tastes like, but I have come to the conclusion that my prior experience with it was bad because a) I had never, ever had coffee before, and/or b) I was just unlucky enough to have a bad barista that night. It happens. Now I'm crossing Irish creme off my list of things I do not like.

Things I do not like:
Amaretto
Olives
Going to the dentist
The possibility of being crushed in some dark, claustrophobic, underground tunnel
Irish Creme

See? All better.

Next week, since the Bathrobe Guy is visiting for three days and we won't be sleeping, I'll be reviewing Granny's Turbo-Charged Butterscotch Latte. That's right, friends: THREE shots of espresso. You don't want to miss this.

Excavations of Claymore: Tarzan and Jane

Helloooooooooo, my loves! As always I apologize for the long and unexplained absence. I dunno what happens to me when I go home for vacation. It's like an anti-blog forcefield. Even though I spent most of the week griping about how boooooored I was, I still could not find it in my heart to sit down and write anything of interest. But never fear! Now that I am back at school with actual work to procrastinate from, I have TONS of fun ideas to write about!

We'll begin with a coffee review. Just to whet your whistle. This one is a little wild, so hold onto that swingin' vine, and watch out for that tree!

Okay, I know it was George who hit the tree, not Tarzan. But YOU had better watch out for that artificial banana taste! I'm no feminist, but I think it's safe to say that Tarzan totally dominates Jane in this drink, and it's time she became a liberated woman (as the saying goes).

Fake banana is a really hard flavor to work with. Real naners are most delish and go well in or with many things, such as bread and yogurt. And pizza, according to Razzmatazz and Mnomanoms, but Le Skeptic remains skeptical on that point.

Regardless, I was less than bananas over this drink. I know I raved about banana flavoring when I tried the Blondie back in September, but I have become wiser and realized that in fact it was the hazelnut I appreciated, not the banana. You know the really cheap, crappy fruit-shaped and allegedly fruit-flavored candy you get out of those 25-cent hand-crank machines at shopping malls and arcades? Fake banana tastes like that. Liquefied. For some reason hazelnut can mask that, but English toffee and French vanilla can't. Maybe Jane is one of those submissive types.

Or maybe it's just a question of ratios. I have in fact had a poorly-made Blondie that tasted pretty much the same as the Tarzan and Jane. I think the drink could pull three stars, but I suggest you order it with just a *hint* of banana, unless you're a little farther back on the evolutionary scale than the rest of us.

^ Yep, the modern blogger needs purple Chucks and a cute pink dress. At least this one does ^_^

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Next week: The Irish Dream, as requested oh-so-long ago!

Peace, love, and primates,
Miss Rex

Excavations of Claymore: The Long Islander

You know how Strong Bad calls beers "cold ones" so that kids watching Homestar Runner won't realize he's drinking alcohol? I feel like the Long Islander should be called a "hot one." Yeah, its name card specifically states that it contains no alcohol, and nor does it contain the coffee addict's drug. I just want to call it a "hot one" based on the name's resemblance to Long Island iced tea.


I can imagine myself walking down a busy New York street, drinking a Long Islander on my way to work in the morning. It has that NYC class, maybe even a hint of flair: a sophisticated sweet for the sophisticated New York sweetheart. And you're guaranteed to stand out for drinking it, which I hear is how they like it in New York: you're strolling around the coffee-guzzling capital of the world, yet the Long Islander hasn't got a drop of espresso to its name.

It's warm in flavor and temperature, which makes it a good choice for those yeah-it's-still-February-but-I-really-want-it-to-be-summer-blues nights. But I might actually recommend it even more in late fall. Autumn and chai are practically synonymous in my book.

Chai and tiramisu may sound like a complicated (and ritzy) blend, but it's actually quite simple. The sum total is sweet, with a spicy undertow and creamy froth. It's like someone took the J-Brands off steroids, which chilled it out to the point of being tolerable, but gave the kid a bucket of Halloween candy instead. I.e., this thing is still pretty hopped up on sugar, but if you're in the mood for rolling-on-the-floor-laughing company, maybe that's exactly what you want. Overall I give the Long Islander 3 stars.

And no worries if you're not a sophisticated New York sweetheart. The unsophisticated, catty Wisconsiner can most certainly enjoy a nice hot one.

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Several of you have asked me to try the Irish Dream. Michael, if you're reading, are you working this week at all? You're the only person I trust to make me drinks with Irish Creme, haha.

In the event that Michael is not working, let's hear everyone's votes for this week's Claymore selection!

Almond Joy
Caramello
Cherry Cordial
Coconut Island
Cooney-Cooney
English Challenge
Fiona's Wicked Minty Apple Cider
Irish Dream
Kyle Lincoln
Michelini
The Orange Real
The Perfect Cap
Platelet's Perfection
Prickly Cactus
Rasp-LIMErry Fizz (clearly NOT coffee)
The Shortstack Chai
Tarzan & Jane
Thrilla in Vanilla

Excavations of Claymore: The Fighting Scot (a reconsideration)

At Michael's request, I returned to give the Fighting Scot a second chance (because God gives second chances, and so should we!) At first sip I felt the same as before, but at some point during the cold, windy, rainy walk back to Ferrin, the little sucker sucked me in. I sucked it down in about 5 minutes, which is an all-time coffee-drinking record for me since I usually burn my tongue.

You can taste the butterscotch if it's made right. Or rather, the Irish Creme doesn't rape your taste buds if it's made right. I might even go so far as to say that the Fighting Scot is now one of my favorite drinks. As is the case with most Claymore drinks, you just need to go to the right barista.

On the down side, I will now be unable to sleep until at least 2AM, and I think I will be hard pressed to find anyone who wants to have a dance party at such an hour. Instead I will watch the second season of Pokemon on Hulu.

So the morals of the story are as follows: 1) Go to Michael for your Fighting Scot needs, 2) plan the dance party before you down the magic caffeine potion, and 3) Pokemon is awesome.

Peace, love, and Pikachu,
Miss Rex

P.S. I'll be trying the Long Islander next - "chai with a hint of tiramisu!" Om nom nom.

Excavations of Claymore: The Fighting Scot

Thanks for your words of affirmation and love votes! The Fighting Scot got the most this week. For those of you who had no idea what a Fighting Scot might be, let me begin by saying that the seductively snarling lion-thing known as a fighting scot (pictured below) is our mascot. I'll let you decide which is mightier, the drink or the athletes. Or the lion-thing.


Have you ever seen a Punnett Square? Scientists use them to predict the outcome of cross-breeding experiments. Since some genes are dominant and others recessive, some are more likely to be expressed while their counterparts are repressed. Henceforth we are going to discuss the Fighting Scot in scientific terms.

The gene in question is the flavor gene. Today we'll be cross-breeding Irish creme and butterscotch. Remember that each parent brings two genes to the table. Since we have here pure Irish creme, which expresses a dominant trait, and pure butterscotch, which displays a recessive one, we'll be crossing FF and ff. The Punnett Square might look like this:

As you can see, the dominant (Irish creme) gene is present in all possible combinations of the two, meaning it is always expressed, while the butterscotch is always repressed.

Conclusion: The Fighting Scot tastes like Irish creme 100% of the time and butterscotch 0% of the time.

I came into this with an open mind, I really did. I know I don't like Irish creme but I gave it a fair shot. "Butterscotch is pretty strong," I said. "It'll balance out." But it just didn't work for me. (Well... the foam was really good. =P) I know The Addict likes her coffee dark and earthy, so if that's your thing you'll probably get on well with tonight's science experiment.

Sorry, Fighting Scot. I hope there are no hard feelings between us. I'd hate for you to be bitter.

OH WAIT, you already are!

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Cast your vote for the next Claymore drink of the week! I know a couple people said the Irish Dream sounded good, but I need a week off from the Irish creme, so let's pick a different one this time, 'k?

Cooney-Cooney
Almond Joy
Cherry Cordial
Caramello
Prickly Cactus
English Challenge
Rasp-LIMErry Fizz (clearly NOT coffee)
The Long Islander
Irish Dream
The Perfect Cap
The Orange Real
Tarzan & Jane
Platelet's Perfection
Kyle Lincoln
The Shortstack Chai
Fiona's Wicked Minty Apple Cider
Michelini

Excavations of Claymore: The Ginger's Choice

...and what a choice! It's like "to be, or not to be" all over again... or the question of whether God exists, which I spent the better part of my day debating for a philosophy paper. Sorry Claymore, but I'm having trouble making yet another existential choice today.



My string of reactions went a little like this:

"I'm skeptical."
"Wow! I never thought cinnamon and chocolate could go together!"
"Hmm... on second thought, maybe they don't."
"Actually this is really growing on me. I think I like it."
"Ehh, I dunno... this is weird and kind of gross."
"No, you know what, this is one of the best things I've ever gotten from Claymore."

I exaggerate not; all those emotional flip-flops really happened. The Ginger's Choice is truly a conundrum; it's a different experience with every sip.

But in the end, it's just another coffee drink. I give it two out of five stars. You can't even really taste the chocolate OR the cinnamon, or the hazelnut for that matter. You can sense that something is slightly askew, but you're not even sure whether "askew" is a good or bad thing. It seems to change from taste to taste.

If being a ginger is this confusing, I think I'll stay a brunette.

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So, about that scene I promised earlier this week - ah, it hasn't been workshopped yet. Our class was cancelled on Tuesday and we didn't get around to critiquing mine today. I do have an older scene I might post later this weekend, but I was in the mood for coffee tonight so what you got for now is a Claymore review.

Actually, it's kind of a funny story about tonight. I went in there to get the Ginger's Choice, which I tried a couple weeks ago when Spaz came to visit but never formally reviewed. But the little card was gone! So I requested the drink, explaining that I was going to review it on my blog. The bar-dude goes "Oh! Are you A Silvertongued Serenade?"

"Uh... yeah," I said. "How do you.....?"

Apparently the night I gave Laura a link to my blog, she left it in Claymore and this guy picked it up and actually followed the link here.

Seriously? People I don't even know read this thing? What a great advertising strategy! I should start dropping links to my blog everywhere! WORLD DOMINATION IS WITHIN MY GRASP, MUAHAHAHAHA!

.....umm, yeah. With that I bid you adieu.

Peace, love, and ghetto basement coffee,
Miss Rex

Excavations of Claymore: TEA MAC!

I don't know who Tony Mac is, but if I ever meet him, I'll be sure to have a trophy ready in recognition of his exquisite taste. The TEA MAC! is the best thing I've tried all year. Of course it can't hold a candle to miss Sarah Schneckleface Mac, but it's the closest, coziest thing I've got for now.


I'm like a tween to Edward Cullen where this drink is concerned. Vanilla. Chai. Chocolate syrup drizzle. It's the seventh layer of the Candy Cane Forest, I promise you.

Chai drinks can be over-stimulating. Chai is such a complex flavor that pairing it with, say, the tongue-scrapin' sweet of amaretto can only end badly. But his marriage to plain, simply sweet Vanilla? A match made in heaven. She completes him. She's the moon to his sun, the yin to his yang, the Switch to his Foot.

I say to all you coffee addicts (whose ranks I may or may not have joined this semester), TAKE A BREAK AND TRY THE TEA MAC! You may opt for or against whipped cream... but my recommendation is "for." ^_^

I'd like to thank my Adviser at the paper for this week's outsider opinion. His face lit up at first sip - like I've never seen him that happy except for two minutes earlier when I said I'd unofficially stay on as a staff writer next semester.

"This not only tastes good," said Adviser after choking on a combination of vanilla chai and laughter. "It feels good in the nasal passages! It has a pretty good sinus feel."

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If you're not within range of Claymore, fear not! Most coffee shops have these standard flavors. If you go in and ask for a vanilla chai, you'll probably get something close to as good as the TEA MAC! But proceed with caution if Starbs is your coffee shop of choice. What you really want is a nice locally-owned (i.e. non-chain) coffee shop that only brews fair trade and plays indie music while you lounge in the warm, glowy atmosphere. Delicious.

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So in case you didn't notice, I actually got my Claymore post up on time this week! Why, you ask? Because FINALS ARE OVER! And I whupped their collective butt! And now I am free forever, ahahahahahaha! ...Or at least for the next three weeks, which might be enough to make a little progress on the much-neglected novel. And a lot of progress on the much-neglected sleep.

Peace, love, and counting sheep,
Miss Rex

Excavations of Claymore: Turtle Turtle

...not to be confused with the drummer by the singular name of Turtle, as he is at least 54 times cooler than this drink. Give the Adam Ezra Group a listen if you have no idea who I mean.


The Turtle Turtle tasted *all right* but, like so many Claymore drinks, lacked any really memorable quality. I give it two stars - it's drinkable, even enjoyable if the barista doesn't burn the coffee, but when there are so many options, why settle?

"It tastes like caramel popcorn (*choke*)," said Jo-Yo, who reviewed in The Addict's place this week. "That's a good thing," she added as soon as she was done coughing.

I didn't notice the popcorn part. Or even really the caramel part. The flavor was very generic in my opinion. If you look for the sweet, you'll find it there, but it's nothing more than a slight counterbalance to the bitter coffee flavor.

Razzmatazz said the drink was "just like a carnival, where it's kind of dirty and lots of people are smoking. It tastes sweet and it's kind of exciting, just like a carnival!"

"She likes drinking dirty, smoky carnivals," Mnomanoms said conspiratorially.

If you do, too, then this drink is for you! If, however, your taste buds are a non-smoking zone (as mine are), stay tuned for next week's review of the TEA MAC!

Excavations of Claymore: Feel'n Nutty

Frankly I was feel'n a lil nutty even before drinking this thing, and the coffee sure didn't chill me out.


Feel'n Nutty featured hazelnut, almond and a lil vanilla. Form was not specified: is it a latte? a steamer? ....an exotic chai blend? We weren't sure, but hazelnut implies coffee to me, so I asked for a latte - my usual one-shot large with skim. For the record, this is soon to become a one-shot large with soy. My reasons are another topic for another day. Maybe I'm just a lil nutty....

"It smells like Christmas cookies because of the almond," said Mnomanoms. "And it tastes like Werther's Originals!"

Feel'n Nutty was pretty good. I'd give it 3/5 stars, which is what I give songs on my iTunes when I like them but I don't want them on my Top Rated playlist. Like the scrap of paper bearing its name, the beverage was somewhat forgettable, though in a neutral rather than a negative way.

I can say that it was a harbinger of a surprising truth:

I like hazelnut!

I kept thinking my taste buds were forgiving the hazelnut through, like, substitutionary atonement by the other flavors. I felt this way about Nutella and Ferrero Rocher candies, too. It never occurred to me that maybe I just like the flavor of hazelnut.

"You're coming along quite nicely," said The Addict with an evil grimace. Actually, the grimace might have been related to her opinion of Feel'n Nutty. She frowned and tried to wipe the taste off her tongue with her lips. "Too sweet," she concluded.

Mnomanoms agreed with The Addict on that point: Feel'n Nutty is only good if you want something sweet.

Excavations of Claymore: J-Brands(?)

I think this week's drink is called the "J-Brands," but I can't be too sure that's what the card says.... I know it's got amaretto and chai in it, though, and not having coffee seemed a welcome change this week.

I make a lot of mistakes regarding food, one of them being that (God help me) I cannot resist a buffalo chicken calzone from Crow Point, even though I don't technically eat chicken. But this mistake was worse. Worse than even the AC Moore-flavored Abby Loves You Long Time. A few descriptive phrases came to mind:

"Tongue-scrapin' sweet."

"Soco Amaretto NO."

"Why must the trash can be full?! I need somewhere to put my drink..."

The J-Brands was like licking the inside of a cotton candy machine months after the carnival, when the fluff is gone and the hardened candy splatters have fermented. Scientifically, I don't think candy can ferment, but if it could it would taste like the J-Brands. It was this... warm syrupy thing that, perhaps, wanted to be cozy.... 'Twas about as good at "cozy" as Angry Frodo.

It just kind of slithered down my throat like a basilisk......

And then it killed me.

Excavations of Claymore: The Almond Express

We sang Christmas carols and ate candies with nougat centers as white as snow. We drank hot cocoa as thick and rich as melted chocolate bars. Outside, the lights of towns and villages flickered in the distance as the Polar Express......

Wait, wrong express. I meant the Almond Express.


It was an easy mistake to make. The Almond Express featured chocolate and almond, normally blended in a latte. However, I couldn't resist modifying the drink to include cocoa instead of chocolate syrup after what Laura taught me last week.

The result was paradoxical. The chocolate and almond were smooth and soothing - indeed, the sort of drink they might have served the children on the Polar Express - but the espresso undertone was unmistakable. Yeah, not something you'd want to give a kid on Christmas Eve.

Mnomanoms insisted that The Almond Express tasted like cough syrup. The first few sips were the best, and my enjoyment of The Almond Express progressively, ah, derailed thenceforth, making this flavor a perfect option for cough syrup: one gulp and you're done. I only wish my mom had given me such yummy cough syrup when I was a wee one.