For the Moments I Feel Faint

Dream last night:
I was with 2 other friends, one of them was a guy and I can't remember about the other one, and we were walking, walking, walking. We were in the countryside and came to a long path that curved off into the woods. It had clearly been raining and the path was a mess, but we took it anyway, mucking our way along for a little while. I was sad that my favorite jeans were ruined. Wading through the muck was exhausting, and it didn't take long for us to wish we'd stayed on the main road, but then we came to a building off the right side of the path. The shoulder dropped of suddenly so that the building's roof was level with us, and beyond it we could see a sparkling blue lake. It was clear that following the path there would take us on a very roundabout journey so instead we cut across by jumping from the shoulder to the roof and climbing down. When we got close to the water, one of the others found a pad of paper on a clipboard. Scanning it, the thing was just columns and columns of big numbers, many of them starting with 7 and all of them up in the millions or billions. But they weren't abbreviated with scientific notation or anything; evidently the exact value was important, down to the ones place. Then we realized that it was a list of everyone alive, detailing what number their birth was and what number their death would be, and how much longer they had until then. The others eagerly flipped through to find their own data (don't know how they found it since it was all numbers) and they were both relieved to find that they had a long, normal lifespan ahead of them. I was afraid to look at mine, sure that it would say I only had three days left to live or something. But when I found me, it said "ALL," as in I still had all of my life left to live. In light of how I've been feeling lately - that I'm wasting my whole life at this school - that's very encouraging, and it also has me thinking on a spiritual level about the fact that I am written into the book of life, and nothing, nothing I could ever do will change that.

"I'm so tired of the phone, baby.
I don't like the tone
of the way we say I love you a thousand times;
we say those words, but we can't look into each other's eyes.
Well I guess we made it, or at least we made it this far
and it all looks smooth from here."
One more day! ^_^

I'm done with my sociology exam and I think it went really well. I just realized though that on the grade weight form I turned in yesterday (the prof let us decide how much everything was worth), I gave my last exam more weight than this one even though I had an 88 and wanted to pull that up to an A. It was all because I wanted to make the dang paper worth more... and hopefully that'll pay off. We shall see, we shall see. At least it's over and done with! Now I have to get ready for philosophy in just over 24 hours. There's an exam that'll kick my ass. And I also just wrote out ALL the stuff I have to make up over break, and it doesn't look like it's going to be much of a break at all. Gross. I also have a buttload of housekeeping and packing to do before I leave tomorrow. I'm babysitting today AND tomorrow AND working the Writing Center tonight on the assumptions that most people have left and classes are over, hence no more papers will be due until after break, so the place should be dead enough for me to get some studying done.


saraphimiscool said...

i absolutely love that dream. it has TONS of spiritual implications. i love that instead of giving you a number of days you have left to live you just have ALL. Isn't that what we all get? We have ALL our lives to do exactly what God has planned for us.

This is the only way i've been able to reconcile in my mind/heart the way God allows death regardless of age, status, or religion: when they die, they are the most alive or dead spiritually as they will ever be--either with God or against Him. In the Old Testament when God commanded decimation of entire civilizations, the only thing that makes sense to me that doesn't make God and His people out to be ruthless murderers, is that God, in His infinite knowledge with a perfect mixture grace and judgment, knew that those people had so hardened their hearts against Him that time would never save them. They had lived ALL their life rejecting truth.

i don't know if i have explained it quite well enough yet. However, if i have, you can see the tremendous excitement we should receive when we realize we are still living. It means that God has given you and i and everyone else alive the grace of time to choose what is right.

The paradox always seems to be that God is simultaneously grace and judgment. i have come to realize that those things are not opposites, but rather both are needed for the other to be perfect. Perfection in one cannot exist without perfection in the other. and while our imperfect human nature cannot replicate that ratio, our God can--and DOES.

And to go back to actual application of all this, our little human minds have to be continually reminded that our few days on Earth (as long as they may seem sometimes) are so precious and need to be lived to the fullest. C:

Just as Jesus says in John 10:10 "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have [it] more abundantly."

just a little nugget to ponder.
<3 SF

saraphimiscool said...

i hope my comment wasn't too long/off topic. it's just something i've thought a lot about. C:


Mandemonium said...

that was THE most epic comment anyone has ever left me, including the stranger who critiqued my TAI screenplay. And it has a lot of really great thoughts in it, things that I've struggled to reconcile (like God sending his people to massacre unbelievers). I'm not 100% I buy that, but having the possibility there makes me feel loads better about the whole OT situation.

Living life to the fullest. I try so hard to do that and yet I never feel that I am. You know, today I realized that I have ten books in mind that I want to write. TEN. That's a lot of mucking books. But I guess I have to remember that living my life to the fullest WHERE I'M AT is what I have to do. The time to be a writer will come, right? Except the book I'm reading about writer's finding reasons not to write says "the time isn't right" is an old favorite of people who grew old WANTING to become writers but never realized that dream.

So now that I've strayed even further off topic, lol.

saraphimiscool said...

wow. i'm honored i get the "most epic blog comment" title. i feel like i need an award or something. C:

we will never completely grasp God's infinite knowledge of people's hearts. He knows our heart better than we do! And of course it's easier to justify the deaths of thousands of unnamed people who lived 5,000+ years ago than a friend's grandmother who was a "good person" but just never trusted in Jesus. THAT will never make sense to me.

As for living life to the fullest, that's just something you have to ask God to guide you with. If you pray every day (or as often as you think about it) that God will help you recognize those things that are most eternally significant, He will give you the ability and courage to do those things.

I notice that verse is not in command form. An abundant life is a direct result of salvation. It's a gift there for the taking. But what a hard thing to remember! it's so easy to get caught up in the mundane in this life that has nothing to do with our potential. When we reject Satan's lies of complacency the ONLY THING LEFT is God's abundant life! C: or to quote Jon Foreman, "Just as drowning cannot be equated with swimming, mere existence is not the same as abundant life. We have been offered a new way to live - a new way to be human." (i even had to go on Fb to get that. but THAT'S ALL!)

i'll pray for you in your search for what all that means. C:

love you,

megan said...

Was that really your dream? Regardless it was pretty cool/strange. Much like the movie Knowing that is coming out...the one with Nicholas Cage, and the numbers of natural disasters and stuff.

...totally not bored in class or anything and had to find your blog through burning building's friends :p

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