Scatterday: Things that are NOT on my Christmas list

Last week's Scatterday post featured things that don't exist but should. This week we're going to look at a few items that exist but definitely shouldn't.

You know your dedication to wearing Crocs year-round has gone too far when you need to buy these:

Crocs suck because:
5. They feel like they're made of condensed packing peanuts.
4. They therefore have no support at all...
3. ...yet somehow also fail to have flex.
2. They may be waterproof, but your feet will STILL get wet because your DUMB SHOES are full of HOLES.
1. They look like effing clown shoes - that is, if someone with a machine gun took offense at the feet of an impractically-shod clown.

Crocs are not winter shoes. Your dumb faux fur lining will do you no good in NEW ENGLAND, where the ground is almost perpetually covered in some degree or form of liquid, because YOUR DUMB SHOES STILL HAVE HOLES IN THEM.

Okay, moving right along. This next segment is dedicated to the most outrageous of all outrageous Twilight paraphernalia. My bottom three are:

3. The Mr. Cullen shower curtain (so you can start every day with getting naked in front of your favorite vampire):

2. Plush Bella's womb - I kid you not. Made with *real* felt and... is that... steel wool?! If not, it should be. Then you could use this item for what it really deserves to be used for: scrubbing the toilet bowl.

1. Last and least, we have the *SPARKLE DILDO!* You're supposed to put it in the fridge before you use it for an authentic experience. o_O

If you want to see more disturbing Twilight products, I just dare you to click that hyperlink....

Oh, and we mustn't forget this:

You see that? "ALL areas accessed!" Just in case you want to get more, ah, intimate than sticking his character's ice cold, glittery you-know-what, you-know-where.

If you're as visual a person as me, I'm sure you now have a very uncomfortable scene playing in your brain. And with that scene, I bid you adieu.



Mr. Condescending said...

I don't completely understand the dildo part, I'm guessing it's supposed to be modeled after that retard on the shower curtain?

Crocs scare me almost as much as that shower curtain did.

Stephanie Faris said...

Those crocs look warm...but no, they aren't all that comfy to me. My mom gave me a pair once and I wore them to garden!

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