The Academy Is... exclusive podcast screenplay!!

ARE YOU FLIPPING SERIOUS, INTERNET? REALLY? REALLY???

So I spent like FOUR HOURS writing the most AMAZING script TAITV will ever see, because The Academy Is... was having a contest that asked fans to submit an episode for their weekly podcast. Then I got to Friends or Enemies dot com at like the last possible minute, because it took me a long time to perfect the script, and found out that I had to register. Ok fine, I thought. One minute to midnight (the deadline); I can type fast. I filled out the form and clicked "sign up."

Nothing.

The site wouldn't respond. Not on Safari, not on Firefox. Not for Schneckleface, either. Maybe too many people were submitting their scripts at once.

So I went to their website to find a contact e-mail address. But their site was down. So THEN, in a last-ditch, 14-minute late, DESPERATE attempt to get my story in to them, I messaged them on *shudder* MySpace. Who knows if they'll ever even SEE my screenplay now. But what else could I do?? I am a victim here! A victim of sucky websites and I guess maybe just a little bit of procrastination. But for once, it was the CLASSES stopping me from doing something else, rather than something else distracting me from homework. It just figures.

Anyway, even if TAI never gets to read my brilliant, semi-professionally-formatted script, I want the rest of the world (a.k.a. the five people who read my blog) to get to see it. If you don't watch TAITV, you probably won't find this very entertaining. You have my permission to skip the rest of this entry and forget all about the rant you just read.

And now... an entry long enough to make up for the almost-a-whole-week that I didn't post. =)

MIXUP MAYHEM

1. INT. DARK, CRAMPED ROOM

Looks like a laboratory of some sort – lots of little blinking LIGHTS, maybe some BOTTLES of unidentified LIQUIDS smoking quietly (DRY ICE).

VILLAIN
Masked and cloaked, he emerges from the shadows and delivers a speech about The Academy Is… becoming too popular for their own good and his foolproof plan to stop them with a brilliant potion he’s devised. Put some sweet effects on his voice to make him sound even more villainous.


2. INT. NIGHT THE ACADEMY IS…’S TOUR BUS

VILLAIN
Sneaks on and adds his POTION to some DRINKS sitting out on the counter. Maybe some more DRY ICE for effect. He slips away unnoticed.


3. INT. NIGHT THE ACADEMY IS…’S TOUR BUS
WILLIAM, SISKY, CHISLETT, THE BUTCHER, CARDEN.

Enter WILLIAM, SISKY, CHISLETT, CARDEN and THE BUTCHER, talking excitedly about the amazing show they just played.

SISKY
Man, I wish Baby could have seen that show.

WILLIAM
She would’ve gotten stepped on in that crowd.

THE BUTCHER
Good, maybe Sisky’d stop talking about her then.

SISKY
[looks horrified]

CHISLETT
(to CARDEN)
Hey, Mike, you did a great job singing “intoxicated circulation” tonight. I really felt it, you know?

CARDEN
Yeah, I’ve been working on that line a lot.

WILLIAM
I think it’s time we kicked back to celebrate a show well played.

CHISLETT
Good idea, mate; let’s have some Vegemite.

WILLIAM
[picks up DRINKS on the counter]
I’ve got something better.

They sit and talk some more, laughing and enjoying their drinks. Then everybody goes to bed.


4. INT. MORNING THE ACADEMY IS…’S TOUR BUS
WILLIAM, SISKY, CHISLETT, THE BUTCHER, CARDEN.

The guys wake up to discover that they are not themselves – literally. Thanks to the potion…
- WILLIAM’S brain is now in CARDEN’S body
- CARDEN’S brain is in SISKY’S body
- SISKY’S brain is in CHISLETT’S body
- CHISLETT’S brain is in THE BUTCHER’S body
- THE BUTCHER’S brain is in WILLIAM’S body.

WILLIAM
enters, wearing the BUTCHER’S RED SHORTS.

WILLIAM
Morning.

SISKY
[Struggling to keep a straight face]
How come you’re wearing the Butcher’s shorts?

WILLIAM
What are you talking about? These are my shorts, Sisky. I am the Butcher.

SISKY
It’s Mike.

WILLIAM
What?

SISKY
[still trying not to smile]
You called me Sisky. I’m Mike.

WILLIAM
[looks confused]

CHISLETT
[enters, looking distressed]
You guys, I just had this terrible dream that the Butcher butchered Baby and Little Girl!
[notices SISKY and panics]
Who are you? What are you?
[Suddenly notices he’s speaking with an Australian accent]
Why am I talking like Chizzy?!

WILLIAM
Wait wait wait wait.
[points to CHISLETT]
So you’re saying you’re Sisky…
[points to SISKY]
and you’re saying you’re Mike?

CHISLETT and SISKY
nod.

WILLIAM
And you’re saying I’m not the Butcher?

CHISLETT and SISKY
nod again.

WILLIAM
finds a MIRROR and looks at himself.

WILLIAM
What the hell?! I’m Bill!

CHISLETT
How could this happen?

WILLIAM
What I want to know is, who’s in my body?

SISKY
And mine.

THE BUTCHER
[enters]
G’day, fellas.

WILLIAM
[stares at THE BUTCHER’S tattooed arms]
Wow, sweet tats….

THE BUTCHER
[is baffled and looks at his arms.]

CHISLETT
(Quickly, before THE BUTCHER can say anything)
Look, man, somehow our brains all got switched. I’m actually Sisky.
[Points to William]
And he’s the Butcher,
[points to Sisky]
and he’s Mike.

THE BUTCHER
How could something like this happen?

CARDEN
[enters, wearing a v-neck shirt and toweling off his wet hair]
Hey.

SISKY
Oh, hey, Bill! Have you noticed anything, I dunno…
[suppresses a laugh]
…strange about yourself this morning?

CARDEN
[looks suspicious]
Why? What did you do, put purple dye in my shampoo? Dip my toothbrush in the toilet?

WILLIAM
He just wondered if you noticed you were in Mike’s body today.

CARDEN
[notices WILLIAM for the first time and his eyes get really big.]

WILLIAM
We all switched brains! Isn’t that crazy, Bill?

CARDEN
[narrows his eyes and moves closer to inspect WILLIAM’S hair]
Hey, whoever you are, wash my hair. Use the Pantene, and make sure you rinse and repeat.
[exits.]

Fade

5. EXT. DAY NEXT TO CAROLINA LIAR’S TOUR BUS/VAN
CHISLETT and WILLIAM

WILLIAM:
Hey, Carolina Liar is setting up right now. You know what we should do?

CHISLETT:
What?

WILLIAM:
We should go and steal some more shit. No one would ever know it was us!

CHISLETT:
(his face lights up)
The Butcher, I knew there was a good reason we were friends.

WILLIAM and CHISLETT sneak on board and take stuff.

6. INT EVENING AT THE VENUE

CARDEN
[is in the middle of vocal warm-ups.]

WILLIAM:
Hey, Bill, you should come back to the bus and see all the stuff me and Sisky took from Carolina Liar!

CARDEN:
(singing)
Awesome.


7. EXT EVENING AT TAI’S TOUR BUS

CHISLETT
bursts out the door.
They came and took Carden! They thought he was Sisky. I tried to tell them I was the real Sisky, but they thought I was crazy.

CARDEN:
Whoa, whoa. Who’s “they?”

CHISLETT:
Carolina Liar! They said it was revenge for all the shit we stole!
[Holds up some of the loot]

WILLIAM:
We’re gonna need reinforcements.

They go to find THE BUTCHER, who’s talking to JIMMY using their native lingo. THE BUTCHER and JIMMY join them.

They round up whoever else they can find (Tony, Jack, techs, other bands).

8. EXT EVENING CAROLINA LIAR’S VEHICLE

WILLIAM, CHISLETT, CARDEN, THE BUTCHER and their reinforcements surround the VEHICLE.

THE BUTCHER
(using a MEGAPHONE)
We have your vehicle surrounded. Come out with your hands up.

CHAD
opens the door.

THE BUTCHER
(still using the MEGAPHONE) talks tough, makes threats until CHAD interrupts.

CHAD:
Sisky ain’t here. He got kidnapped from the kidnappers.

[Beat]

THE BUTCHER
(tonelessly, still using the MEGAPHONE)
What?

[FLASHBACK: EXT AFTERNOON CAROLINA LIAR’S VEHICLE]

VO CHAD explaining what happened.

VILLAIN wearing a cape and a mask stopped them on their way back from TAI’s bus and said that he needed to talk to Adam. The kidnappers initially thought it was someone from TAI dressed up. Then the VILLAIN grabbed Sisky and they both vanished with a bright FLASH.

[END FLASHBACK]

9. INT EVENING AT THE VENUE

WILLIAM, CHISLETT, CARDEN and THE BUTCHER split up to scour the venue for SISKY and his mysterious kidnapper. Unsuccessful, they converge in front of the one door none of them has checked yet. They enter cautiously.

SISKY is strapped to a DESK CHAIR with DUCT TAPE. The VILLAIN steps out of the shadows.

VILLAIN:
(evil laughter)
Now your silly little band will never make it big! My evil plan succeeded!

CHISLETT:
Who are you?

CARDEN:
Are you the one who switched our brains around?

VILLAIN:
Brilliant, wasn’t it?
(more laughter)

While the VILLAIN is distracted, SISKY is working himself free of the duct tape.

CARDEN:
Look, I don’t know what your problem is, but we have to play a show in ten minutes, and we need Michael to play guitar.

WILLIAM:
What’ve you got against TAI, anyway?

VILLAIN:
(mockingly)
What have I got against TAI?
(Laughs, but it dies quickly.)

SISKY
breaks free and creeps toward a panel, where a big red button is blinking.

VILLAIN:
(Sadly)
You don’t get it, do you? My whole life, all I wanted was to be in a band, but I was a loser. None of the bands wanted me, not even as a bassist.

CHISLETT:
(offended)
Hey!

SISKY
pushes the button, and the brains are restored to their proper bodies.

VILLAIN:
CURSES! Foiled again!

SISKY:
Hey, man, it’s not so bad.

VILLAIN:
(sniveling) It’s just… it’s so unfair that you guys are talented, popular, and good-looking. I could never be any of those things.

WILLIAM:
We’re not as cool as you think.

SISKY:
Yeah. I mean, I used to have a dead ferret on my head.

CHISLETT:
People don’t even realize I’m in the band sometimes.

THE BUTCHER:
I get mistaken for a lumberjack because of my beard.

WILLIAM:
And sometimes people think I’m a girl.

CARDEN:
And I – uhh… I’m really pretty cool, actually.

WILLIAM:
You see? You don’t have to be cool to be in a band. You just have to love what you do. That’s why we do it.

VILLAIN:
(sniffling) Oh… well…. Since you had to be all noble about it…. You’d better get out there and play.

WILLIAM, SISKY, CHISLETT, CARDEN and THE BUTCHER dash through the halls and make it to the stage just in time to play the show.

END.

5 comments:

collieflower417 said...

This is THE funniest thing I have ever read. At first I thought you might be a little cocky for saying how good this screenplay was but you're totally right...I really really hope they see this and use it, if not now then later. :)

saraphimiscool said...

i'm trying to post now (the website's not down anymore and i finally got an account) but it won't let me post. BAAAAAAAAAAH! so maybe you can try...i'm thinking it might be too long. but i don't know bc it says that i need to fill in the "title" and "journal entry"! freaking AAAAAAA!!!!! there are a whole load of late entries because we weren't the only ones who couldn't get on...apparently for the past TWO DAYS, so maybe you can still try.

but i have to stop worrying about this and start worrying about my lab journal that actually accounts for part of my being here. C:

Brijenieve said...

Hahahaha! Thanks for that. =D

theacademyis_3oh!3 said...

Very well written, I love it! Hopefully you were able to post before last night! Best of luck!

http://skepticsandtruebelieverssanti.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

I am a semi-professional play-write, and having read this and being a die hard TAI fan myself, and I can only say...wow.

Now, the humor in this is striking, however, I have a few questions.

I am an adjunct professor, and have read extensively of modern plays and this just stacks up!! But I was confused by the fact that originally their brains were switched by the guzzling of an evil potion. However, oddly, we come to find that the effect are reversed by the pressing of a button. I'm assuming this triggered some sort of electrical current that infused the air they were breathing mayhap? Or perchance it shot tiny needles into the air which did the switch quickly and painlessly? Perhaps it was a sort of invisible and yet tangible tazer effect? I think you should make this more clear.

Or is this potion simply a metaphor for heavy street drug intake?

Or a metaphor for the way listeners are completely intoxicated by the other worldly music of TAI and are thus disembodied?

I beg you make this simple but extremely critical moment in this play more clear.

Also, I am hoping by mentioning the ferret hair, you are not condoning the slaughter of innocent animals since I know you, like myself, are a vegetarian.

Good wishes for your future play writing career.

Also, if you ever put on this play, I envision the villain having a thick eastern European accent, much like the locals in Belarus, where I have spent many a happy early spring.

Love and many blessings

your friend.

And mentor?

 
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