Jack-in-a-box

I feel really strange right now. I want to regress. I want it to be the 1990s. I want ska to be in. I want not to care what I'm wearing and believe in fairies again. I want all the good bands to get back together - Five Iron Frenzy, Juliana Theory, Kids in the Way - and I want all the good bands that are still together to play the old songs for me. I want the radio to play "Good Riddance" and "Closing Time." I hated high school, but some strange part of me wants to go back to it, or rather, not the circumstance but who I was then and what the world was like. Does this sound cracked out yet? I've only been out of high school two years. The world has not changed that much. And have I already forgotten the ridiculous drama and - shudder- the horror of ALGEBRA? Yet I want to regress so badly that my heart is going to break if I can't. I think I can partly blame the fact that suddenly every day is like grasping water, and no matter how many hours I'm awake and how much awesome I cram into those hours, it disappears just the same. I am constantly going to bed, it seems, and constantly waking up for a new day, and each action follows the other more quickly than I ever imagined it could.

Yet I simultaneously long to spring forward, to branch out. I feel... like a Jack in a box. I've got this little cube I call home, and all the time people are cranking and cranking, and I'm cranking myself, and I just want to leap forward into something new and exciting! I need MOTION! CHANGE! LIFE! But I feel stationary. Static. Stuck. Sometimes I'm so inspired and driven, but at this moment in time, I want to do nothing (not even write my book), think nothing.... maybe even be nothing. I want to get on the highway and drive somewhere, anywhere but here.

I'm not depressed. I've been fabulously happy these past couple weeks, spending time outdoors, seeing human beings again (which honestly didn't happen for the first 60-70% of the semester), laughing, making new friends, having adventures, exploring, blasting happy (old-skool) music while speeding down the highway. Today was positively gorgeous. I played frisbee, found a new trail or three in the woods, went to the beach, got ice cream....

But something is wrong.

I have this eerie sense that something is coiled and waiting to spring. Maybe even the apocalypse. And I'm absolutely terrified.

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